Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda ... Gonna

Resolving to leave an unhealthy cycle

The ghosts that follow us into the New Year

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Full disclosure: I've started writing this a million times leading up to the New Year (ok … maybe not a million, but a lot). And I know it has been waaaay too long since I have taken care of my website and even longer since I have posted a blog (I actually had to watch a tutorial to even remember how). In all honestly, I’ve been struggling a little. Treading water and doing the things I need to do to stay afloat, but not really swimming (sorry Dory).

So deciding on a New Year’s resolution was fairly easy for me. It doesn’t involve grandiose plans to reach success or miraculous self-improvement. Because, as much as we like to think "brand new year! Clean slate!" we all know that’s not how it works. We bring our baggage with us into the new year. And as much as we swear to give ourselves grace moving forward, that baggage can be quite heavy.

My resolution this year involves reflection. This, after deciding that I can’t really move forward until I figure out how to unload some of the baggage from the previous year/s. Turns out ignoring it doesn’t really do the trick.

Seems I have been stuck in a cycle of woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Had I trusted my gut, I woulda started younger…

Shoulda chased my dreams sooner, started trying to get published… finished some of the things I started…

Coulda been much further along by now, more confident, more knowledgeable…

... just a few examples.

These thoughts, of course, feed the hungry beasts that are self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Thoughts like these push us to compare ourselves to others who are in different situations at different places in their careers. Something exceedingly easy to do with the internet at our fingertips. When, the one we should really be comparing ourselves to … is the us from yesterday. Each day making an effort to improve … our art, our skill, our state of mind. Our presence in our community.

The upside of making a resolution to self-examine, is that it can be done without committing to a regimen of exercise or denying oneself those little treats that may not be healthy, but make us happy. The downside is that self-examination can be painful. Diving into depths only we can see can bring us into cold, harsh, murky waters.

The next obvious step after self-examination is self-correction. Not an easy task. And I’m not talking about getting back on track. I’m more focused on the idea that perhaps there is no track. Maybe part of my struggle has been trying to get back on a track that simply is no longer mine… I like to tell my kids that there is no single path to the destinations they desire. They can get there a million different ways. When there’s an obstacle, they can step to the side, shift gears and find a new way. That said … when you yourself are the obstacle, things can get sticky.

Forgive me if this post is a bit muddled. It’s been a while and I’m feeling a tad rusty. I guess what I'm attempting to say is that after some self-examination, I am resolved to break out of my woulda, coulda, shoulda and to instead shift into a gonna mentality. Not just where my professional career is concerned … but in my private sphere, as well. Leave the woulda, coulda, shouldas, and focus on the gonnas.

This year, I’m gonna reach out more to my neighbors and colleagues: see how they are doing, and ask for help when I need it.

This year, I’m gonna be publishing my third novel and I am gonna focus on the moment when it comes, and enjoy it instead of immediately thinking I’m behind on the next project.

This year (hopefully really soon!), I’m gonna finish my full edit of book four and get it to where it needs to be, without beating myself up because I “shoulda already done it.” I will embrace the fact that each book, each story, has its own incubation time. Embrace the fact that I am not a machine.

And of course, as always, I’m gonna celebrate the success of others as they reach their own personal milestones. But, I am gonna do it without then chastising myself for not being further along than I am in my own personal journey. At least ... this is the plan.

Here’s wishing each and everyone of you success and happiness in your own journeys this year. Let’s make 2026 a beautiful year, despite the obstacles!