Want to Versus Can

photo credit to Alessia Devecchi

The Line Between Want to and Can

…or even between can and should

There is often a fine line between want to and can, and it is one I’ve been known to hop across now and again. Never mind the line between can and should.

Fair warning. I am currently a-day-post-migraine, so this may be a bit more stream-of-consciousness than usual. We’ll get to that later.

Any-who … I see a lot of people (authors included) struggling. And, in this case I am referring to a particular kind of struggling, more specifically struggling to keep up. I, myself, am included in that group. And, it’s generally my body (all of it or certain culprits like my head or back or knees or…) to let me know that I have crossed a line.

The usual conversation between mind and body (during which I often feel like somewhat of a bystander) goes something like this:

Body: you need some rest after this event. Perhaps a day off.

Mind: A what now? No no no. I have stuff to do, places to be.

Body: I’m telling you. You need to schedule some down time, like now.

Mind: But, I’m falling behind! (Insert name) has done (insert activity or achievement) and I need to catch up!

Body: That’s wonderful, but you are not (insert name).

Mind: But, when I was (insert age), I could totally (insert activity).

Body: Yes. Yes, you could. Good on you. But, you are no longer (insert age).

Mind: I’ll show you!

Body: Here’s your migraine!

OR

while playing tennis

Body: Let that one go. Get the next point. That one’s a stretch.

Mind: I can get to that one! I WANT THAT ONE! HA! Got it! Woohoo!

Body: You got the ball! Great point! Now, how's that hip feeling? I'll call someone over to carry you off the court.

I guess my point is, with all the exposure we have to everyone nowadays: their daily activities, achievements, their paces, we can get sucked into a vortex of self-doubt and fear. So and so writes five books a month! If I don’t write five books a month, how can I call myself an author? So and so goes to every event! If I don’t go to every event, will my readers forget me?

And sometimes, we don’t even realize we are doing it, until our bodies step in with a friendly reminder that we need an attitude adjustment. That not everyone’s circumstances are the same. That not everyone’s pace is the same. That we need to embrace who we are and ride our own wave.

My reminder yesterday was a migraine. A reminder to take care of myself when I’m doing an event. A reminder not to get so wrapped up in the joy I feel doing the event (meeting readers! Talking to kids who dream of becoming authors! What better feeling is there?), that I forget to take care of myself before, during, and after.

Body: remember to grab breakfast before you go!

Mind: I had some coffee. No time to eat. There’s a cafe in the store. I can get something there.

Body: Hmmm. I guess. Don’t forget!

(At event)

Body: Alrighty now. Go ahead over and grab a muffin before you set up.

Mind: Traffic sucked! I need to set up! Readers approaching! Wow, look at that cool purse! Look, kids! Gotta get those stickers out on the table! Gotta sell books!

Body: Yeah, wonderful. You need to eat something. Wait … where’s your water bottle?

Mind: Ummm. In the car… I’m fine. I can get a drink at the cafe in a bit.

Body (after a few hours go by): How about that muffin and drink now?

Mind: CAN’T LEAVE TABLE.

Body (sighing): Would you prefer your migraine with or without aura?

On the upside, I did sell out of the books on my table. AND, I met really cool people and had a wonderful time. AND, the migraine waited until I was most of the way done.

But, today I am in the day-after-migraine fog. A day of contemplation. A day when the pain isn’t quite there anymore, but there is the memory of pain, the threat of pain, if I move too quickly. It’s a day of echoes, like living in a transparent box. I’m here, but I’m not. And If I hurry, I can almost see the blur of me behind myself. A day when time is relative … a minute, an hour, a day, a year. My brain receives a string of strong memories of things I’d all but forgotten, with no notable tie to current events. A day where I am floating between dimensions.

Mind: Wait, I think I have an idea for a story! I need to start this now!

Body: Take some notes. Pick it up later. You need to rest.

Mind: No no no. I’ve got this. I’m feeling much better now.

Body (sighing deeply): With or without aura?

Mind: Fine. But I’m at least going to write a blog post.

Body (rolls eyes): I’ll allow it.